DON’T MESS WITH ME, I LOVE YOU
Transforming Victimhood into Empowerment
By CC Treadway
www.cctreadway.com

I often get requests from people who want me to extract their demons for them. I reply to them and let them know that I will ask them to commit to a series of sessions to help transform inner beliefs that are perpetuating the attachments/attacks. Nine times out of ten I never hear back from them.

I have colleagues I can refer them to should they just want good old fashioned shamanic relief, but long term results require a dedication and commitment on the part of the client that many are not willing to do. I do not consider myself a sweeper, I help people grow into their power through self responsibility, healing and education.

As I planned my curriculum for a new summer tele-course, Psychic Empowerment, I remembered this very significant story in my life when I stepped out of the victim paradigm into the super strong love paradigm and watched the world around me change.

HEALERS + CEREMONY = DRAMA

During my 4th year at the Barbara Brennan School of Healing I was asked to take on a leadership role for our final class ceremony. These ceremonies were no small thing. It was really the time for people to showcase their deep, unrealized longings to be seen and applauded. So if you had a dream to sing or dance in front of everyone, this was your time to shine. Of course, this made the whole process very delicate, as these unrealized dreams we have usually carry with them equal amounts of trauma.

The committee of the ceremony was going nowhere fast and rumors were buzzing that it was going to be catastrophic, gasp. So a few people asked me to come in, almost like a consultant to clean it up. For many years I worked as a video and television editor, compiling bits and pieces from film shoots and turning them into stories for a living. So, this was no problem for me. I walked into the meeting and within an hour had the entire ceremony organized and arranged.

OOOOPS

However, it would be revealed over the coming weeks that no one but those few people who asked me to come in had hired me. Unbeknownst to me, I had walked in uninvited and crapped all over several people. Although many people were relieved and happy, I deeply upset several sensitive people.  These people then formed a committee behind my back to get me thrown out. I did know what hit me as people I loved and trusted conspired against me.

One of the women was so triggered and had a slight case of the “insanity” and, in my fourth year of this so called enlightened healing school, she began to bully me. She bullied me through scathing emails that were sent for the whole class to see. I received almost daily emails of what I could only describe as hateful, confusing and completely ridiculous, targeting me as the entity that must be destroyed. I demanded that she stop, but she said absolutely not, that I deserved it.

WOW

From my perspective I was just doing what was asked of me, and I really didn’t need any of this. I hadn’t even wanted to get involved with the ceremony, which is why I wasn’t at the meetings to begin with.

But the worst part? Although I received lots of sympathy from my classmates privately, who couldn’t believe she was doing this, no one said anything to her. Several people bowed out of the ceremony process all together. They were all too afraid. It was my freakin’ childhood all over again…AGAIN. I felt totally numb, scared, hurt, confused, powerless, victimized and sick. The most painful part was that no one had my back. It was actually a little weird. I thought to myself, “What kind of healing school is this, where everyone just stands by and watches someone get attacked?” I realized that this was so out of the ordinary that people just didn’t know how to handle it. Nevertheless, I made a promise to myself at that moment that should I observe that happening to someone in my community, I would help.

At this point, I had a choice, to sink further into playing the victim, to get very aggressive, or to take a stand and find the place within me where I accepted this as my reality and transform it.

I took responsibility for my hidden belief system that was obviously very strong, and went to work to find it. Through some breathing and centering I could find the place inside my heart that accepted this energy from my bully. What I could see was that by accepting it, an energy circuit was activated with her, thus perpetuating the dynamic. When I went deeper into this pain in my heart, the pain said I was bad for being in my power and it just wanted to be liked at any cost, therefore I should sink into the background.

My unrealized longing was to be in my power and lead and it probably came out all sideways, hurting people with the same unrealized longing. I decided that I did not agree with my bully or my pain, and that I was going to stop the circuit. I was not bad. There was a series of misunderstandings and I was naïve, maybe a little overbearing, but not bad.

I took some deep breaths, and allowed the shadow belief to be exposed to the light. I didn’t need to overprocess, I just needed to bring my conscious awareness to the pain and let my love and belief for myself shift the vibration. It was then that I stopped participating in the dynamic.

THE LAST CRAZY EMAIL

When I replied to her last crazy email, I was so unaffected that I made a joke. I saw what she really wanted, because it was the same thing that I wanted. She wrote back laughing at herself and never bullied me again. Just like that. Then we were friends. Of course, I knew she was crazy so we were never good friends! But the air was clear and we were both happy about it.

I then could have compassion for everyone I hurt through my unconsciousness. I walked a little softer into meetings, made more space for those who were scared and let the process naturally unfold instead of ferociously leading like I was editing for live television in New York City. I ended up having a great leadership position as Creative Director of the ceremony as well as participating in many numbers. The ceremony was, by all means, a success. I even got a few apologies.

THE HEALING CONTINUES

A few years later my beloved crazy friend died in a car accident. The ripple of her death was felt through our whole class, the matrix of our tribe forever changed.  Her spirit, happy and free, came and visited me during a healing session. Shining brilliant and colorful light, she apologized to me, and we were two souls who were complete.

I felt so grateful that I had handled the situation the way I did. It could have gone in a lot of different directions, but instead, my love for myself and responsibility for my shadow transformed so much ugliness into so much healing.

ASTRAL APPLICATION

I use this lesson in my traverses through the astral. Every being is longing to be seen, put to use, be accepted and loved. When I approach an entity in this way, healing beyond what we can imagine happens for both client and entity. My longing with my clients, is to help them find that place within themselves, to find the way to their power, love and acceptance. I educate them about what they are dealing with and teach them not only methods of protection and extraction, but the deep rewarding experience of healing based in love.

When I am able to hold a powerful space of unconditional love, the beings have nowhere to attach to, because any negative beliefs that might attract a negative being, are being bathed in love. In those moments, the love is stronger than any shadow belief. And this is the best argument for truly doing your transformational work. The more beliefs and trauma you bring to the light, the more you are able to be confident in the love you naturally are. I think there may always be shadow energy, but it’s about the balance within you, how brave you are to face your shadow, and how much confidence you have in love in the face of conflict and pain.

It is the love within all of us that makes us strong.

This more than anything, prevents further attack, and sets the client off on a profoundly transformational journey. This gives them the belief to transform their difficult surroundings, and this leads them, quite naturally from rocky shores to safe harbors.

(c) CC Treadway 2011. All rights reserved. You may repost article in its entirety, no changes, with a link back to the site. Please let me know if you repost! Thank you.

HEALING THE ABANDONMENT ABYSS, PART 1
By CC Treadway
www.treadwayesoteric.com

Abandonment.

For those of us who have experienced this most intense of all wounds, we know how serious it is. I have found in my healing practice that when it comes down to it, everyone is dealing with abandonment, whether it comes in the form of the fear of rejection, the habitual pattern of love avoidance or good old fashioned codependency and love addiction. From my observations, even those that claim to not experience it really do, it’s just more shrouded.

What is so heartbreaking to see is the judgment and shame that people place on it, not knowing that their reactions are normal. It hurts to be left, but we usually internalize the rejection, making ourselves wrong and unlovable. The good news is that this universal wound is actually something manageable and healable.

One of my biggest teachers has been the abandonment wound.

Coming clean with myself about it and lifting the judgment around it has been one of the most powerful healing responses for both my clients and myself. I continue to grow and learn from it. The fact is codependency is the model we are given for relationship, so its not just the super wounded who need to look at it. However, people who have had early childhood abandonment or abuse will have a more difficult time coping with it as an adult, and yet their system will be patterned for it, so they may find they are reliving brutal rejection and mistreatment time after time, with no tools and no hope to recover or change.

Some events that can trigger this old and unhealed wound are a breakup, a death, being fired, a friendship suddenly ending or an intimate partner or friend who is emotionally unavailable.  As a healer and a human, I wanted to dive as deeply into the healing of this wound as I could.

Coming Clean with Myself

Years ago, after a debilitating breakup that left me completely bereft, I devoted myself to healing it. I was sick of feeling awful and powerless, sick of feeling ashamed of my real needs, exhausted from covering up the pain for so long. Of course it wasn't just this breakup, it was ancient, it had always been with me. So I spent five full months tracking when feelings of abandonment would surface. Sometimes it was triggered by an event as simple as saying goodbye to a friend after a movie, other times it would just come over me with no warning. Mostly it was triggered by the loss of that relationship and what that said about my ability to trust myself, and as it turned out, God.

When you get hit by that wound, the mildest reaction is just feeling a bit of sad, lonely discomfort. The most intense reaction is that you feel as though you are completely lost and alone and you must be fed by an external source to survive, addictive feelings begin to control you. It feels like there is nothing supporting you, and nothing to fall back on. It feels like every person in your life doesn’t love you enough or the right way. You begin to try and control your environment and monitor other’s behaviors. It is unhealed child consciousness at its strongest. You must find a primary care giver or you will die. That is the intensity of the emotion.

Sick of trying to cover it up, I finally had to surrender to the experience. I wanted to know just how much it was controlling me. I knew that I would be healing it on a deeper level rather than just applying coping mechanisms, or talking myself out of it.

After this heartbreak, I felt an emptiness and hopelessness inside that was unending and inconsolable, but I had felt this before. Taking responsibility for and confronting the abandonment wound is saying that you are willing to face your deepest fear, your deepest pain. While many things happened in my life to assist in healing this pain, it was my unyielding commitment to the process that brought that about.

The Abandonment Abyss

In those moments where the pain would hit me, I would just sit with myself as the adult, caring witness. I found myself in a deep, black abyss of nothing. It was petrifying at first.  And then my child consciousness would appear, crying her eyes out. At the same time that my child consciousness suffered, blamed and cried, my adult consciousness would witness with infinite love, patience and understanding. I had to be strong. I did this again and again and again, sometimes every few minutes in a day.

One time I had to do it for almost three days straight. It was not easy at all, in fact one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I did not let my child take over by affecting my adult behavior. I did not let her “go to the empty well for a drink” as my healer would say. The empty well would be something like trying to get attention from my ex-boyfriend, even if it was ultimately unsatisfying and hurtful. It would have been reaching for ice cream, or talking on the phone non-stop, or not taking responsibility and blaming him. For others it might be drugs, cigarettes or meaningless sex.

Without those vices, I found myself getting to the ultimate wounds- first, abandonment by parents and all the psychology around that, and then inevitably, abandonment by God. That pain was the core, it was unbearable, it was gut wrenching. I felt I had been rejected and betrayed by God, that I didn’t matter at all, the pain was excruciating. I had no choice but to sit with those feelings, to really feel them, to let them out, to hear them.

I sat with this pain a lot. I wanted to be completely unafraid of it. And after some time it was enough. A huge relief washed over me. It was like the weight of the world lifted out of me, making room for the warm, comforting presence of the Divine. It happened automatically, with no preconceived idea that it would. I was overjoyed and felt so cared for.  I could feel God within me, filling me, healing me. That was what I really wanted.

The abandonment abyss is what most people are doing anything to avoid, but the truth is, if you face it, it passes. And once you get through it, it gets easier and easier.

Abandonment as Your Ally

Now, the interesting thing is that abandonment has become my ally. Whenever it gets triggered, and it still gets triggered, an instant self love reaction takes place. I had no idea this would happen. Each time I am able to touch deeper parts of the beloved within. The best part is that it’s no one else’s responsibility, so I’ve got the power. Trusting that we are loved and cared for in the midst of chaos takes this practice to a whole new level. It’s challenging, but it’s the only way I know to feel safe.

Abandonment Is a Creative Tool

The other great thing about abandonment is creativity. The best tool we can have right now is our creativity. We will need it to navigate the new world. As our dependency on a corrupt system is crumbling, we need to create the new. Songs, writing, drawing, new business based on love…. all can fill up that seemingly empty void and there is enough for all. This channeling from my guide team describes how abandonment and creativity are linked.

Channeling:

You hold a lot of power as you honor yourself, as you love all parts of yourself. For so long you have tried to eradicate abandonment and now what you are doing is just simply letting go of the idea that it is wrong, it is a gift of story for you as a human, it is a great teacher and there is infinite space and colors in the wound of abandonment. Can you feel the limitless possibilities of creation in the space of abandonment? Can you feel that within yourself -  how profound a feeling it is to sit in that space of longing, of emptiness, of pain that seems to stretch as wide as you could possibly fee? Well it is no accident, it is Creators choice, your choice to experience this pain and create within it. There are so many possibilities in life but this vacancy is the abyss. This vacancy is the abyss. 

And so as you bring forth your creations in this void of voids, you heal, you make more room for yourself, for your expansion, for your colors, for your music, and as you bring in the creativity, divine love pours from your soul, reminding you of who you are, reminding you that this is all temporary and it is a gift. For creativity is divine. It is direct food, the elixir of your being. Feel the gratitude for such a unique expression of who you are, for such a deep experience of your fullness, your completeness in the vacancy. Do not fear this place, but use it now. Use it to heal. For you understand now, that it is not just there to torture you but to serve you into your highest potential. The abandonment wound opens up limitless space for your creations, for you.

You can bring in the love, let it shower the pain, let it heal the pain, but only when you accept that this emptiness, this loneliness is there as a gift to serve you as a human can you experience the joy of being abandoned, only to discover you are more than you were before. I know what you are thinking, “How could that be joyful?” but we tell you, humanity is just simply irreplaceable, impossible to replicate, it’s perfect. Thank yourself for choosing this crazy pain, this crazy bliss and create within it.

So the next time you feel someone has left you, the next time you feel you need someone else to fill that empty hole, make it bigger, make that pain as big and wide as you can and start to create. Fill it up, paint the canvas, pick up the guitar, cook a meal, or simply feel every particle of your being expand. This is experiential, you must try it. There is purpose in every experience here. Don’t waste it. Let it fill you, let it be you, choose it again and again, every day. Choose your creative longing to expand within. Choose your humanity. Be proud of who you are, even in your darkest moments you are so brave to live this challenge. We sit in awe of your strength, of your efforts, of your potential.

Coming Back into Community

That channeling was so reassuring to me. Through the healing of this wound, and the commitment to tend to it, create from it and love myself, I was able to receive true friendship, true partnership and true community. Life naturally opened up to the bounty of the Universe and I was never alone again.

(c) 2007- 2011 CC Treadway. A