HEALING THE ABANDONMENT ABYSS, Part 2
By CC Treadway
If you would like to read Part 1 of this series please click here:
In the last article I went into the importance of dealing with the pain of abandonment. In this article I will go into more detail with the chakra system of the healing process.
The most important thing about healing abandonment is that you have to admit you have a problem. Many people are defending against this pain so much that they cannot even get to it. But if you continually feel empty, like you need to fill a void with something, you have an abandonment wound. An abandonment wound can lead you to substance abuse, to emotional detachment, inability to commit in relationship or over-dependence on another to give meaning to your own life. Its actually easier to heal a wound that manifests as dependence, than avoidance, because at least an emotionally codependent person is in touch with their feelings, admitting they have needs. The avoider will deny they have any needs, and will simply bypass the emotional body by filling the space immediately. They reject people, but at the same time have a very difficult time letting anyone out of their life completely. It’s torturous on the person semi-rejected. It is also possible to swing back and forth between these two types.
Dean Ramsden (deanramsden.com), founder of Relational Energy Healing, has taught me a lot about this wounding and how it is reflected in the energy field. To paraphrase him:
During the formation of the second chakra, the child is supposed to be modeled its own self. When a parent abandons, or does not nurture and reflect the child’s individuality, the child makes the decision to release its energy from its body and merge with the parent, beginning a life long pattern of meeting the parent’s needs to feel itself. It therefore merges its identity with the parent.
Hence, codependence. If this pattern continues through life then the codependent will look at itself or its partner as a parent, and not be able to feel its own self unless it is merged in the relationship. Loss of the relationship can be devastating, and recovering the sense of self may take a lot of time and patience. Whereas a healthy person will recover from the breakup in the normal phases, a person who has suffered this wounding may never recover, but carry that pain with them through their life, never daring to enter into another relationship, or continually entering relationships that do not satisfy or nurture, but rewound. They may also hang on to the memory of the last relationship in an effort to avoid the total loss of self.
Many people just do not want to admit they do this, and would rather stay in blame. You know the type, the one that constantly talks about the horrible things their ex did to them, and how they were the victim. They also may never leave the relationship and just complain about it for the rest of their lives. While its normal to learn from relationships and blame can come into the picture, it should be a phase that ends, giving way to self-responsibility and healing.
What I find in the spiritual communities, is that in order to avoid dealing with this, we “spiritualize” the relationship. “He’s a soulmate!” “A psychic told me we would be together forever, so I have to stay with him.” “I need to finish my karma with her.” All of these things may be true, but healing it will require addressing some basic psychological and emotional stuff, as well as some mastery in the energy realm.
A codependent, or anyone who feels the pain of abandonment, is ready to heal when they get tired of blame, sink into the misery of the pain, and ask for help. I do believe the 12 step programs are very good and often recommend clients go there. But I also believe there are things that a trained energy healer can do to speed up the process of healing, provided the client is ready and willing.
USING CHAKRA SYSTEM IN HEALING PROCESS
While it is necessary to work with all the chakras in any healing process, I will go specifically into chakras two and three.
Redevelopment of Second Chakra: “I Recognize Myself”
While all the chakras will be addressed in any healing process, the second chakra is usually the main player at first. This chakra never learned how to experience its own self and have it be reflected in the world. That sucks!!!
This is what I do with my clients, although I want to give Dean Ramsden and another great healer, Joy Adler (joyadler.com), the credit they deserve for teaching me most of it. And back to their teachers, Barbara Brennan, Rosalyn Bruyere and on and on. I call it energy modeling. I sit with my client and ask them to feel their own self. I assist them by helping them find a time in their life, or a place where they felt totally safe to be themselves. 100% of the time these clients choose a time where they are alone. That’s because truthfully, they have never experienced their true self in the company of another. I ask them to recognize how this feels in their body. When they are feeling all warm and fuzzy, I remind them of my presence. Almost immediately their field shifts into their habitual pattern: their energy leaves their own body and comes towards me. But I do something different than what they are used to. I put up an energy boundary and do not take in their energy and merge. For some clients this can be very scary. It feels like rejection. But what they see over time is that I am not rejecting, I am actually staying in loving witness mode for their essence. I coach them to bring their energy back into their system and take in the reflection I am offering without trying to take my energy.
Almost always this is a huge awakening. It was for me the first time it was done for me. The difference is, instead of the excitement and rush of merging with another or the child trying through its habitual way to get love it always wanted from the parent, the feeling is just getting to be yourself. Now for some people this is a huge adjustment of thought, “What fun is that? How will I know if I like them if I do not feel a huge intense bolt of lightening?” Dean once asked me, “Are you confusing intensity with love?” Perhaps...
For a healthy, long lasting relationship, getting to be yourself is the most important element. The love that grows from this healthy foundation is solid, lasting and exiting in a whole new way.
Redevelopment of Third Chakra: “I Respect Myself”
The third chakra has a lot to do with willpower. If you do not have a healthy sense of self, and self respect, then your third chakra will probably need a lot of work. The front aspect of the third chakra can be about your self-respect and how you give to others. The back is about your self-care, how you give to yourself. Some people have very large third chakras in the front, and teeny weeny ones in the back. This is usually because they are caretaking others…to avoid facing abandonment. They easily allow others to hook into their energy and become drained when they give. This can be a conundrum because giving in itself feels good, but when it is done from a place of caretaking, it is draining to the field. Then the caretaker will inevitably need to recharge either with solitude or by draining someone else’s field.
It is very difficult for people with distorted third chakras to say no. Learning good boundaries is essential for recovery. Reconstructing the third chakra and teaching someone how to give and receive from Source is a huge part of the healing process. For someone with addiction problems, healing third chakra issues is essential for developing healthy self-esteem and willpower. I have witnessed addicts literally lose all sense of self and willpower when they are around others who are involved in addictive behaviors. Their third chakras get large, lose their form and they get totally caught up in the group field of “the addict,” no longer able to experience their own self or thoughts. Like a robot they end up using again. The 12 step programs insist that recovering addicts surround themselves with healthy environments and there is deep wisdom in that. It takes doing that over and over to retrain the emotional and energetic bodies to respond to people and environments that are truly beneficial.
Briefly, here is some of the work that gets done with the other chakras:
First chakra: “I have enough.” Deeply connecting with Mother Earth, healing root cords to birth parents. Feeling safe, supported and taken care of on Earth.
Fourth chakra: “I am filled.” Feeling safe to really love, feeling safe enough to feel heartbreak and childhood wounds. Experiencing Divine Love in relationships.
Fifth chakra: “I trust.” Learning to receive, trust Divine, and dropping control in relationships and life.
Sixth chakra: “I see the truth.” Replacing projected thoughts with truth. Seeing through the veil of truth as opposed to childhood wounds. Creating from that truth.
Seventh chakra: “I am the Divine.” Grounding Divine energies into body. Being strong enough to face real pain of Divine separation and not “spiritual bypass.” Learning true Divine Connection as a human.
APPLYING THESE CONCEPTS TO BIGGER PICTURE
Right now humanity is being deeply tested as it goes through major transition and a worldwide economic collapse. I thank Creator every day for the lessons that people, including myself, are learning, difficult as they are. We are a people dependent upon relationship systems that are no longer functioning. On a grand scale, our dependence on the “system” is just a big codependent relationship. And we have all said, on some level, “Enough! I want my power! I want real love, I want my life to be based on truth!” It does say on the dollar bill, “In God We Trust.” That is where we are headed. And it’s a wonderful process.
Breaking our dependency on the “system” is like breaking our dependency on anything that doesn’t serve us: Exciting, terrifying, uncertain, destabilizing, hopeful. It’s a major breakup, and for some a major heartbreak. It is not easy. It certainly hasn’t been easy for me. You don’t have to lose all your money to feel what is happening, because it’s not about money, it’s about healing a massive, unhealthy codependency and coming into deep love and trust. It will require a leap of faith into the abandonment abyss to inevitably be caught in the arms of the Divine.
Despite all the conspiracy theories out there, and the massive Earth changes that could occur, I believe what comes next is a better system. We are coming together as a planet to create a system that works for Earth and for us… and I am on board.
(c) CC Treadway 2011. All rights reserved. You may repost this article in its entirety with a link back to this site. Please let me know if you repost!
HEALING THE ABANDONMENT ABYSS, PART 1
By CC Treadway
For those of us who have experienced this most intense of all wounds, we know how serious it is. I have found in my healing practice that when it comes down to it, everyone is dealing with abandonment, whether it comes in the form of the fear of rejection, the habitual pattern of love avoidance or good old fashioned codependency and love addiction. From my observations, even those that claim to not experience it really do, it’s just more shrouded.
What is so heartbreaking to see is the judgment and shame that people place on it, not knowing that their reactions are normal. It hurts to be left, but we usually internalize the rejection, making ourselves wrong and unlovable. The good news is that this universal wound is actually something manageable and healable.
One of my biggest teachers has been the abandonment wound.
Coming clean with myself about it and lifting the judgment around it has been one of the most powerful healing responses for both my clients and myself. I continue to grow and learn from it. The fact is codependency is the model we are given for relationship, so its not just the super wounded who need to look at it. However, people who have had early childhood abandonment or abuse will have a more difficult time coping with it as an adult, and yet their system will be patterned for it, so they may find they are reliving brutal rejection and mistreatment time after time, with no tools and no hope to recover or change.
Some events that can trigger this old and unhealed wound are a breakup, a death, being fired, a friendship suddenly ending or an intimate partner or friend who is emotionally unavailable. As a healer and a human, I wanted to dive as deeply into the healing of this wound as I could.
Coming Clean with Myself
Years ago, after a debilitating breakup that left me completely bereft, I devoted myself to healing it. I was sick of feeling awful and powerless, sick of feeling ashamed of my real needs, exhausted from covering up the pain for so long. Of course it wasn't just this breakup, it was ancient, it had always been with me. So I spent five full months tracking when feelings of abandonment would surface. Sometimes it was triggered by an event as simple as saying goodbye to a friend after a movie, other times it would just come over me with no warning. Mostly it was triggered by the loss of that relationship and what that said about my ability to trust myself, and as it turned out, God.
When you get hit by that wound, the mildest reaction is just feeling a bit of sad, lonely discomfort. The most intense reaction is that you feel as though you are completely lost and alone and you must be fed by an external source to survive, addictive feelings begin to control you. It feels like there is nothing supporting you, and nothing to fall back on. It feels like every person in your life doesn’t love you enough or the right way. You begin to try and control your environment and monitor other’s behaviors. It is unhealed child consciousness at its strongest. You must find a primary care giver or you will die. That is the intensity of the emotion.
Sick of trying to cover it up, I finally had to surrender to the experience. I wanted to know just how much it was controlling me. I knew that I would be healing it on a deeper level rather than just applying coping mechanisms, or talking myself out of it.
After this heartbreak, I felt an emptiness and hopelessness inside that was unending and inconsolable, but I had felt this before. Taking responsibility for and confronting the abandonment wound is saying that you are willing to face your deepest fear, your deepest pain. While many things happened in my life to assist in healing this pain, it was my unyielding commitment to the process that brought that about.
The Abandonment Abyss
In those moments where the pain would hit me, I would just sit with myself as the adult, caring witness. I found myself in a deep, black abyss of nothing. It was petrifying at first. And then my child consciousness would appear, crying her eyes out. At the same time that my child consciousness suffered, blamed and cried, my adult consciousness would witness with infinite love, patience and understanding. I had to be strong. I did this again and again and again, sometimes every few minutes in a day.
One time I had to do it for almost three days straight. It was not easy at all, in fact one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I did not let my child take over by affecting my adult behavior. I did not let her “go to the empty well for a drink” as my healer would say. The empty well would be something like trying to get attention from my ex-boyfriend, even if it was ultimately unsatisfying and hurtful. It would have been reaching for ice cream, or talking on the phone non-stop, or not taking responsibility and blaming him. For others it might be drugs, cigarettes or meaningless sex.
Without those vices, I found myself getting to the ultimate wounds- first, abandonment by parents and all the psychology around that, and then inevitably, abandonment by God. That pain was the core, it was unbearable, it was gut wrenching. I felt I had been rejected and betrayed by God, that I didn’t matter at all, the pain was excruciating. I had no choice but to sit with those feelings, to really feel them, to let them out, to hear them.
I sat with this pain a lot. I wanted to be completely unafraid of it. And after some time it was enough. A huge relief washed over me. It was like the weight of the world lifted out of me, making room for the warm, comforting presence of the Divine. It happened automatically, with no preconceived idea that it would. I was overjoyed and felt so cared for. I could feel God within me, filling me, healing me. That was what I really wanted.
The abandonment abyss is what most people are doing anything to avoid, but the truth is, if you face it, it passes. And once you get through it, it gets easier and easier.
Abandonment as Your Ally
Now, the interesting thing is that abandonment has become my ally. Whenever it gets triggered, and it still gets triggered, an instant self love reaction takes place. I had no idea this would happen. Each time I am able to touch deeper parts of the beloved within. The best part is that it’s no one else’s responsibility, so I’ve got the power. Trusting that we are loved and cared for in the midst of chaos takes this practice to a whole new level. It’s challenging, but it’s the only way I know to feel safe.
Abandonment Is a Creative Tool
The other great thing about abandonment is creativity. The best tool we can have right now is our creativity. We will need it to navigate the new world. As our dependency on a corrupt system is crumbling, we need to create the new. Songs, writing, drawing, new business based on love…. all can fill up that seemingly empty void and there is enough for all. This channeling from my guide team describes how abandonment and creativity are linked.
You hold a lot of power as you honor yourself, as you love all parts of yourself. For so long you have tried to eradicate abandonment and now what you are doing is just simply letting go of the idea that it is wrong, it is a gift of story for you as a human, it is a great teacher and there is infinite space and colors in the wound of abandonment. Can you feel the limitless possibilities of creation in the space of abandonment? Can you feel that within yourself - how profound a feeling it is to sit in that space of longing, of emptiness, of pain that seems to stretch as wide as you could possibly fee? Well it is no accident, it is Creators choice, your choice to experience this pain and create within it. There are so many possibilities in life but this vacancy is the abyss. This vacancy is the abyss.
And so as you bring forth your creations in this void of voids, you heal, you make more room for yourself, for your expansion, for your colors, for your music, and as you bring in the creativity, divine love pours from your soul, reminding you of who you are, reminding you that this is all temporary and it is a gift. For creativity is divine. It is direct food, the elixir of your being. Feel the gratitude for such a unique expression of who you are, for such a deep experience of your fullness, your completeness in the vacancy. Do not fear this place, but use it now. Use it to heal. For you understand now, that it is not just there to torture you but to serve you into your highest potential. The abandonment wound opens up limitless space for your creations, for you.
You can bring in the love, let it shower the pain, let it heal the pain, but only when you accept that this emptiness, this loneliness is there as a gift to serve you as a human can you experience the joy of being abandoned, only to discover you are more than you were before. I know what you are thinking, “How could that be joyful?” but we tell you, humanity is just simply irreplaceable, impossible to replicate, it’s perfect. Thank yourself for choosing this crazy pain, this crazy bliss and create within it.
So the next time you feel someone has left you, the next time you feel you need someone else to fill that empty hole, make it bigger, make that pain as big and wide as you can and start to create. Fill it up, paint the canvas, pick up the guitar, cook a meal, or simply feel every particle of your being expand. This is experiential, you must try it. There is purpose in every experience here. Don’t waste it. Let it fill you, let it be you, choose it again and again, every day. Choose your creative longing to expand within. Choose your humanity. Be proud of who you are, even in your darkest moments you are so brave to live this challenge. We sit in awe of your strength, of your efforts, of your potential.
Coming Back into Community
That channeling was so reassuring to me. Through the healing of this wound, and the commitment to tend to it, create from it and love myself, I was able to receive true friendship, true partnership and true community. Life naturally opened up to the bounty of the Universe and I was never alone again.
(c) 2007- 2011 CC Treadway. A